Autism and Sex: Myths, Consent and Neurodivergent Intimacy

WELCOME TO THE SECOND SEASON OF BRAIN TRASH!

Autism and Sex: Myths, Consent, and Neurodivergent Intimacy

This episode of Brain Trash takes a bold step into a rarely discussed space: the intersection of autism and sex. Hosts Maria Ingalla and Tabitha explore the myths, misunderstandings, and unique challenges autistic people face in navigating intimacy, consent, and sensory overwhelm.

🔥 In this episode:

• Debunking myths about autistic sex and asexuality
• The pressure to perform and masking in intimate settings
• Why sensory awareness matters in sexual well-being
• The importance of consent and boundaries
• A call to action for providers and community advocates

Whether you're neurodivergent, a healthcare professional, or just ready to listen—this conversation is essential.

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Transcript

0:00

welcome to season 2 of Brain Trash this is the podcast where we take the DSM we light it on fire and we roast marshmallows over the ashes of all of the crusty ass white dudes who wrote that shit and fucked up some lives so this season we're actually gonna be talking about a lot of interesting topics and starting off strong with talking about autism and sex you're gonna wanna sit down and tune in my name is Maria and I'm Tabitha we are psychiatric nurse practitioners and we are here to dig into all of the unfiltered and untalked about things that you wanna know about so let's talk about sex today so today we wanna start off strong and talk about something um that a lot of people realize there are differences in and might have some misconceptions about sex and autism so I think a lot of people have misconceptions that autistic people are asexual or maybe autistic people are too naive to have sex or don't have strong sexual relationships right there are just kind of a lot of misconceptions rolling around and if you are autistic and listening you're gonna realize that like a lot of times we are infantilized. is that the word? infantilized?-how do I say it?-I think it's... I think it's infantilized I don't know infantilized infantilized are we putting the wrong emphasis on the wrong syllable? I don't that word um it's my speech issue. anyways... so much that like people don't assume that we have sex so then they just don't talk about it right so there are just so many things that are just unspoken about um so yeah we're gonna start about talking about just kind of sexual experiences we're gonna go into like the sensory stuff all of that so as healthcare providers we do talk to our patients and sex life does come up'cause obviously it is a part of it's a part of like medication side effects and just things people share right so what have you heard from some of your patients that have kind of like sparked the thought of doing this podcast episode well I think the original idea was kind of born out of this conversation I have with a lot of neurodivergent patients which is like just that need to not be perceived by other people right and so that happens everywhere in our lives not just with sex but like when it's something like sex when it's a topic that isn't talked about a lot or that is very much like I mean the the exposure that most people get to sex other than their own experiences is whatever happens in movies right somebody pushes you against the wall and sticks it in and things are great and that's it right so there's like a very um idealized I guess like way it's supposed to be and so when you're being perceived in a vulnerable position right where maybe you don't feel comfortable or things sensory wise are weird or you're not having the experience that you see other people having in the media or whatever it can be a really confusing experience and so when people do bring up sex in appointments or when I'm talking to colleagues or other professionals about it this is something that I end up talking about with them a lot and the idea of being perceived as a neurodivergent person plus how much weirder that can get during sex yeah as far as being perceived there is this concept in um neurodivergence that a lot of people don't like that people are looking at them and seeing them watching them and there can be a pressure to perform so where we get our information sometimes for sex is like how do we perform what are we supposed to look like what are we supposed to act like how do we move right especially like if you have dyspraxia and movements are kind of awkward or like not coordinated which isn't sexy most of the time so it can be kind of tricky when it comes to that but being perceived is this concept where we are we are kind of like worried about people watching us and watching us perform and that can be in social interactions in real life like people are watching us like do a new task but sex is this weird intimate thing where like the pressure is directly on you right like people are watching just you there aren't well in most cases there are other things going on in the room that people are paying attention to and then you're expected to perform in this sort of way and unless you're getting like your information from porn scripting can get kind of weird and like you might have planned out some things to say but then like is it awkward am I saying the right thing am I making the right faces am I making the right movements like if you have dyspraxia and you're not coordinated and like that's not sexy just so many components go into sex and like the movements and just all of the feelings and that can be really stressful right specifically for autistic people well yeah and I think that concept of masking as well like I think that's something that especially for people who are diagnosed in adulthood don't realize is a thing until they realize it and then they're like holy shit I'm doing this all day every day in every realm of my existence like I am in a grocery store thinking that person down the aisle how are they perceiving me do I look like a regular shopper with my shopping cart are my hands weird on this-am I... have to stand it-do I have t-rex arms? are they do they wonder why I'm choosing this item on the aisle right like there's so much of that like um coordination internally to be like how do I appear regular yeah um for a lot of people that it can be really severe in other areas of our lives that we don't even realize it until we realize it so like what does it look like to mask during sex right like from when I think about it it's pretty much like okay what face am I supposed to make like what sound am I supposed to make how does that sound is it being perceived weird okay they just did ask what do I do and respond to why do you know what I mean like anything else you can think of as far as like what does that look like because people probably don't even realize that they're masking during sex they're probably like doesn't everyone do this yeah no I think that that's really when I have this conversation with people that's really commonly where we get to it's like wait isn't everybody doing that I'm like well yes I think there is to a certain extent um there is peace it depends I guess on the culture too and like like what um just societally like how you were brought up all those things right some people may not feel the need to uh make their experience pornographic right or like have the right noises or the right sounds based on I guess the area that you live in or whatever but for the most part everybody's got like some thoughts about that but when it's something that's like the entire time you're like okay I need to also experience pleasure while I'm doing this thing that is making sure that I'm not making a feral noise or that I'm not making a weird face or you know like where am I supposed to put my limbs right like it's there's so much that goes into it so yeah and there have been a couple studies that have been done that we're gonna kind of like review through this episode there have been some qualitative studies that have looked at like autistic women and masking and like the experience and there are women who like report that they feel um they like appear to be like behaviorally interested in sex but they're not actually enjoying it because like they feel like stressed out and they are masking throughout it and they just feel kind of disconnected from their bodies 1 and like 2 from their partner um what we do know is that men autistic men experience their first sexual encounter later in life than autistic women and autistic women are more likely to have more sexual encounters than autistic men and I think like my guess would be you know as an autistic woman that like you want affection and you like think that like you should build a connection and it seems like a very like surefire way to like this is how I connect with people right like this is special this makes sense or like I'm supposed to like I'm supposed to fuck that guy in date 3 right well I have date 4 coming up and like I haven't fucked him yet should I fuck him yet you know there's like so much scripting that happens just based on those exposures that we get in the media right or things we hear from our friends or whatever right and especially now that pretty much every kid has the entirety of the internet at their fingertips right like from a very young age I think we're being exposed to more and more things which leads to these experiences where maybe right the masking is happening because it's this very scripted experience like oh if this happens to me I'm supposed to look this way and do this thing and if I say something mean or say no and try to set a boundary like I will be perceived incorrectly or I'm a bitch or I'm a prude or whatever right and then that leads to these experiences that don't necessarily feel like trauma or rape or things like that in the moment because they're following a script right but looking back on it I think a lot of times when autistic women finally get into trauma therapy and start working on these things they realize like holy shit I was like really susceptible to coercion and like yes I was just going along with these things because that's like I think how it was supposed to go but now that I'm hearing other people's experiences I'm like wait that was actually really fucked up yeah like I think there's this kind of like perception of like what is rape right and like what is uh sexual assault and like for autistic people autistic women in general are more susceptible to being sexually abused being raped and to having unwanted and not pleasurable sexual experiences obviously those are two separate things but like specifically almost three times more likely than neurotypical women to have unwanted sexual experiences and I think a lot of that is like I'm on a date with somebody and they're telling me I need to sleep with them now or like they've paid for me and like that's what this means like if you are socially naive enough and you haven't had the education on like consent and boundaries and all of that stuff because like your parents sheltered you or like sex education just doesn't cover that or your school just doesn't have sex education or like you grew up like religious right like how are you supposed to navigate those situations otherwise so it is like incredibly common and I think she said like people become very compliant because they're like well I don't know what to do and I don't know how to say no and like if they push back when I say no then what right well yeah then there's confrontation and that would be totally no but also there's this social pressure that kind of also ropes back around into that thing you were talking about like autistic men having later sexual experiences is it's like most of the research actually shows like uh like solo explore exploration of sexual stuff so masturbation or just like exploring bodies all of that the sensory aspect of it most people who are autistic are doing that by the age of 18 so it's not like hey everybody's waiting till they're 30 to have sex or to do anything with their body it's more so that takes time to make the approach all of that also though the social aspect of that being a weird dude and a virgin is just like a thing right like you're just not in like it's just normal right like oh he's just autistic being a weird girl is like there's lots of like weird nuanced like fetish shit right like there's lots of stuff where that's really sexualized for women to be weird or to have strange outfits they wear or um you know special interests and all that shit so like socially that we also get sexualized at a much younger age yeah for sure dudes will fuck anything when it comes to that but like even even if we're looking at like experiences of like LGBTQ people right like there are people in that community who women women still report having um again like more un unwanted sexual advances and like more unpleasurable sexual experiences overall which I think kind of just comes back to like again like the social pressures and like kind of like going into these things of like who am I supposed to be and like you know if I am like trying to like experiment with this partner like am do I have to do that like what does intimacy look like is there other ways to be intimate I just think navigating that stuff as a human is so fucking hard and then you add autism into it and kind of like all of the nuance things that like nobody just explains to you in a literal way it's just so much harder dude but um as you mentioned like the the men thing too like on that note a lot of like autistic people do enter into like the sexual realms earlier on online platforms because that's a lot more accessible than like an IRL in real life platform you know what I mean so like it might be easier to navigate like I don't know sex through what kind what kind of platforms people use for sex I know that there's like different things that people have like cyber sex on, I don't know-my old ass-I'm like "chat rooms"? like ASL?-AOL chats? asl?"uh 10""oh wow I'm 55 yeah" so it's ringing bells but I think now there's so much more ability to be anonymous on the internet there's so many more communities to be a part of right so I don't even know that there is any one specific platform in but more so in general that that is way more available than it's ever been yeah and a lot less stressful of like people will accept you more because you're not showing your face um and there's so many like kink communities which is actually kind of how this episode like came to be is that we just had our company retreat and we went to pride and like we were walking around and like we were looking at like all of the kind of kink things that happen like with the knowledge that autistic people are more common right in LGBTQ demographic in general um and then looking around be like there's a lot of like kink here too there's a lot of furries and like I just have my own feels about like people in costumes because I was traumatized by Big Bird as a child um so I was just very anxious but like people are like happy and hugging and like you know I'm gonna hide in a corner it's fine like you do you but it kind of just brought up those conversations for us to be like what are the relationships of these things and like what are the things that people aren't talking about right and what's the underlying reason for it because when when it's like one kid in high school wearing a tail everybody finds that really easy to as a bullying target right but when you've got an entire like miles and miles of a large city filled with people who are deeply immersed in this culture and doing this thing it's like there has to be underlying benefit or reasoning or something like that behind it that is causing this to be such a successful movement and so really starting to dig into like what is it about that and and to me I think I always I always come back to that like I mean how great is it to just like not feel perceived and wearing a mask it'll do that yeah so we have a whole episode coming up next week on um kink and pups and all the little subculture things so you guys will have to tune in for that but just to kind of like we've discussed a lot of like the the concerns that are present for autistic people around sex and why it's different um but like what can people do like how do we make things better for autistic people right like as medication providers are there things we can do as therapists is there anything we can do like what can we do well I think first and foremost like encouraging people to understand themselves in a non shameful way of like what sensory things they need and and whether that's in solo exploration or with a partner right figuring out what is it that truly feels good and doesn't feel good so that they have the language to create that if it is with another human they have the language to create that I think from just like a mental health professional standpoint whether that's therapy or med provider like being as completely non judgmental as possible because I think there is so much like stigma and just stereotypes about stuff like this that it really matters to just like listen to somebody and hear what they're saying and validate the feelings that they're feeling and also stay curious and help them understand like what is it about this that brings you the distress and how can we make it not that way for you how can we give you the tools and the language to feel better about it and then like from a med standpoint obviously meds can totally have side effects right so that can be increase libido it can be decrease libido it can be um I mean those are the main ones I would say but I mean it could be delayed orgasm it could be like not feeling anything like there are like so many variations of that right like yeah and if I'm doing like an eval I'm not asking somebody like and when you're masturbating do you like deep pressure or not right like I'm not asking somebody that but I am asking them about sensory things right if they describe having really terrible like interoception or I can't feel light touch or I hate light touch or whatever um or if I can't feel a sensation fully it makes me really pissed off or you know whatever then I know that person has that like hypo uh sensitive tactile stuff that might tell me that in a sexual sense they might experience the same thing doesn't mean that I'm gonna outright ask them about it just to ask them but if it comes up and we're talking about it talking about making sure that I am educating that them about side effects of medication so that they know hey this could make some of that sensory stuff worse so we actually have an episode coming up in about two weeks that's going to detail all of the stuff on like autism and sensory and hyPOsensitive and hypersensitive and sex and there's a lot to unpack on that so make sure you subscribe for that and watch out for that on YouTube and um whatever your podcast platform is but yeah I'm really with you on like kind of like from the therapist perspective and the med provider perspective of like having those open conversations with people and kind of like more so than even just like how are the side effects but like offering education when it comes to these things or like if they're saying something like you know there's something like oh I had sex with him because X y and Z or I feel like I'm very performative like explore that right because like a lot of that can be masking and people aren't talking about that and even if masking conversations are coming up and you know that somebody is sexually active like that could be a topic to explore in therapy like do you enjoy sex like is this something that you hate doing but you just put on an act for but you feel like you wish you could enjoy right like we have to remember that like it's awkward to talk about sometimes depending on how you are raised but like this is a huge component of people's life and we want to make sure like there's quality to that right um there's also like in in that same realm like with if you have clients who are you know older dudes who are not reporting having any sexual activity or or whatever just assuming that that person is not sexual is doing them a disservice because yes this also leads to poor sex education lower incidence of using condoms right which can then lead to all these other outcomes that are not great um so not making assumptions about people's sex life sexualities pleasure all of that based on your own experiences but making them based on a well informed evidence base or or biases right like as you mentioned like sometimes people are just awkward and we can't just assume like oh he's probably not sexually active or she or they are not sexually active right like we should still be asking in all of those situations um as med providers we have it's like important for us obviously to like assess things like birth control and interactions but also like we're still doing sexual health education and making sure that people are being safe right like that's still part of our job as a therapist I'm not sure like the exact role in that but I think like still like an exploratory stage for like if somebody is in a relationship or they're not or they're like having lots of partners or kind of where they are um I think if you are just a neurodivergent person and you're not a mental health professional and hearing this and you're like yes to all of these things these are like the points where you should be like talking to your partner and be like hey I would like to unmask during sex like what could that look like for me if you have a neurodivergent partner this could be an experience that you guys could take together if you have a neurotypical partner um that's a different game that might be something that would deserve its whole own episode and maybe some like guidance on like sex therapy with somebody who is like neurodivergent affirming um because I'm sure that's that's a little bit different yeah and listening to others in the neurodivergent community about what has and has not worked for them right not everybody's gonna be the same everyone's experiences are gonna be very nuanced based on who you are as a person sensory stuff all of that um but at the same time hearing other people's voices and knowing that like you are not the only one experiencing these types of barriers in a sexual sense is really important to destigmatize it to take the shame out of it right to just like feel more human about the things that are going on for you because the only thing again that typically people are exposed to just in a general sense in the US is whatever the fuck we see in movies which is not real literally in porn right like if we're on the note of that yeah pretty much and that's like the only exposure for a lot of people who just don't have the education or like parents who are comfortable talking to them or what have you but you know I'll say now like being a mom like I don't even know what to say with my kid when she's like you know talking about genitals and I was like I'll be so comfortable and I'm kind of like man I don't wanna say the wrong thing but that just kind of like opens the door of like what's it gonna look like when we're hitting teenage years and like I have to have these conversations so it's gonna get so much fucking weirder I can promise you that so yeah well solidarity thanks for tuning in guys to another episode of Brain Trash into our new season we're really excited to explore uh the BDSM and kink communities on our next episode so make sure you subscribe hit like leave us some questions if you are interested in any sort of a topic like we are more than more than happy to cover anything so leave us a comment send us a message whatever your vibes are leave us a 5 star review also would be well appreciated and yeah dude thanks for tuning in